"Killing Me"

I wonder where you are.
Please don't come around tonight
cause I can't stand to see you and I don't want to fight.
Gimme one more drink and I swear I think I'll be ready
to make the same mistakes again with you.

I finally figured out that you're not coming back and I'm not going anywhere.
You were the one with all the faith how did you let it slip away?
That's right, I'm blaming this all on you and the little things you didn't do.
We both knew that you were stronger, could have fought a little longer.
You didn't hold it tight enough.
You lost your grip and I slipped right through your fingers.

No more sleepless nights alone.
This bed is better without you.
No more waitin' up for calls.
I've got nothin' left to say to you.

Tell me again about those better days.
This silence hurts me more than anything you could say.
Broken knuckles, broken heart.
I fell in love then fell apart.
You tried to run, I tried to hide, still we managed to collide.
Fell so hard, matching scars.
Held you close, felt so far.
Hearts beating out of time.
You're screaming with no reason and no rhyme.

So I will save this last breath for words that I won't scream.
I don't feel like dying, but you're killing me.

Just when the wounds start healing you're there to break me open.
Watch the blood spill.
I'm getting used to this.
I'll clean it in the morning.

I wonder where you are.
Please don't come around tonight
cause I can't stand to see you and I don't want to fight.
Gimme one more drink and I swear I think I'll be ready
to make the same mistakes again without you.

I've changed my mind.

Yes. I have.

I'm not a beck-n-call girl. I refuse to be. I'm not the person to sit around until it's convienient for the other person. Fuck that.

Question mark, question mark.

Things are so confusing. Shawn came over last night and stayed around for Devin's birthday party. Devin is turning 2 October 3rd, but Nate was in town this weekend so we had the party early. It was cool that he could hang out with my family considering my family means everything to me. Me and Tyler have been hanging out and stuff... which has been fun. I'm going to stay with Shawn though. If me and Tyler are meant to be together, then we will. I've waited a long time for Shawn to finally be like I want to be with you and I'm not going to give up on that. I asked him a few days ago if he really wanted to be with me and he said yes so I'm going to go with that. Yes, that is my decision.

I hope I made the right desicion.

Stuck between the new and the old love.

Enough said in the title.

I haven't talked to Shawn since Wednesday afternoon. Things are great when we're together, but we spend too much a part. I'm insecure. I feel like I'm not good enough. But I'm not about to give up just yet. That is a fact.

On the other hand, I talked to Tyler for a good 4 hours on the phone last night. He told me that no one has ever compared to me. It makes me so confused. Of course, I still love him. I can't shake that feeling. I don't think I ever will.

That's my situation. Blehhh.

♥

So after last night I feel great. =]

I had to work from 8:30-4:30 and I thought me and Shawn could hang out after I got off work since he kind of blew me off the day before and shit like that. When I called him he was just like I was about to go to bed. So I got all depressed and thinking that I have to beg my own boyfriend to hang out with me. And that goes on and on... I'm pretty depressed at that point. I barely eat anything at dinner with my mom and Lee. Then Dez calls me from Justin's phone. And she says she's on the way to my house with Justin and Shawn. So they come over and we end up going swimming in Shawn's freezing pool. Haha. Me and Dez jumped in and found out it was freezing while Justin and Shawn were wimps. Buuut yeah, stuff happened. Then we got back into the pool and it was still freezing so we got out. Dez didn't feel good so her and Justin left. Me and Shawn went into his room and I got under the covers because I was freezing. [Plus they were fluffy and comfy and smelled like him.] Then he climbed in too. He was only wearing sweatpants and it was nice to cuddle. We were cuddled for like 4 hours. He kept reaching down to kiss me or he would just kiss the top of my head. Now I'm smiling thinking about it. I didn't talk to him about anything, but it was nice being with him like that. At moments like that he does actually feel like my boyfriend. And I am thankful for those moments.